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1.
Once Were Warriors (2003) DVD
Avg. Customer Rating:
A compelling behind the scenes expose' of the
tragic yet rapid decline of Australian rugby. Contains excellent
ancient archival footage of when the Wallabies were actually
quite good. Also includes wonderful widescreen footage of
their 2002 loss to Ireland (snigger), the dreary, soul-less
win against Wales and their Anus Horribilus, the holy trinity
of dickings - England, South Africa, and New Zealand (times
2, no less). In addition there is rare, brutally honest footage
of the TNT courier blokes, bit by bit packing and shipping
off the contents of the ARU trophy cabinet that
they're always banging on about (such as the only trophies
that count for anything, ie. the Super12, Cook Cup, Mandela
Plate, Trinations trophy, Bledisloe Cup). Never has a team
fallen so far, so quickly...The 2003 Wallabies, deah-oh-dear-oh-dear!
"Christ, they were shite weren't
they?" ~ New York Times
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2.
Team Selection for Dummies (2003) Book
~ Eddie "12Subs" Jones
Avg. Customer Rating:
Enjoy Eddie Jones' colourful thoughts on the
subtle art of the selection process for an international rugby
team. Includes such wacky gems as his convoluted, verbose
justification for including 3 overpriced, novice league players
who subsequently got torn to shreds in a record 50-21 home
ground humiliation at the hands of NZ, his "logic" behind
stubbornly refusing to blood any new players on the 2002 tour
of Europe or the ill-fated Trinations, his revolutionary tactic
of completely dropping the gutsy, highly respected mongrel
Nathan Grey after playing him out of position against the
World's number 1 team while persisting with other obviously
over-the-hill past performers. Many will also be engrossed
in Chapter 7 entitled : Steve Kefu, erm....Why?
Eddie's simply a dead-set genius. Just how he managed
to systematically destroy the world class legacy bequeathed
to him by Macqueen and Eales so efficiently is beyond this
reviewer!
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3.
Carlos' Kitchen (2003) Book ~ Carlos
Spencer Avg. Customer Rating:
The sweet-faced Kiwi chef who has sold more
than five million cookbooks is back. In this, his third outing
in print, Carlos Spencer once again delivers his tried and
true recipe for success - The art of carving up soft, tender
little Wallabies! The little master once again demonstrates
how to turn this obnoxious pest into a easily digestible,
tasty treat.
Carlos demonstrates that there is nothing sweeter
than a Wallaby butchered and stewed in a Hangi for 80 minutes
then torn to pieces and devoured for the enjoyment of an appreciative
crowd.
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4.
Dumb and Dumber (Special Edition)
(2003) DVD ~ George Gregan and Eddie "12Subs" Jones Avg.
Customer Rating:
A slap-stick, laugh-a-minute, gag-a-thon featuring
the diminuitive bald Gregan attempting in vain (all the while
with an irritating, smug expression) to decipher the bizarre
unintelligible techno-babble spewed out by his equally hilarious
side-kick Eddie Jones. The ensuing chaos as Eddie and Georgie
bumble from one humiliating disaster to another is immensely
satisfying, and all the while there is no let up in Eddies'
wisecracks and penchant for zany pseudo-statistics, such as
the following priceless lines :
"Studies have shown test rugby is 12% faster
than Super12"
"The backrow will be interchangeable because
numbers six (blindside flanker) and seven (openside flanker)
will play more like two 6.5s".
and...
"Tactics?....What the fuck are those?"
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5.
Jerminator 3 - Rise of the Machine
(2003) DVD Avg. Customer Rating:
The long awaited sequel to Buck Shelford (Terminator
I), and Zinzan Brooke (Terminator II)...An action
packed blockbuster - Jerry Collins, the rampant tackling machine
and most fearsome number 8 in the world bar none leaves the
terrified, dak-packing Wallabies wondering what the rego of
that big, brown garbage truck was.
"Not a dry seat in the house for the full
80 minutes!"~ Matt Burke's Underpants
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6.
I Want my Mummy! (2003) DVD
Avg. Customer
Rating:
Action-adventure/black comedy flick starring the entire
Australian rugby team at their most tragic. Contains
complete highlights of the season that will forever live in
Australian rugby infamy. Feel the panic as John O'Neill desperately
attempts to revert back to a 3-match Bledisloe series, enjoy
the tension as Eddie Jones tries to keep himself in a job
by frantically spouting any ridiculous, irrelevant statistic
that comes into his potatoe-like head, cack yourself laughing
as George Gregan constantly cracks the shits in the face of
his once-great teams' onfield buffoonery, and sense the utter
fear of the Wallabies when they realise they are simply not
up to it. In the face of this onslaught,
Waltzing Matilda has never sounded so camp!
"You'd feel pity if they weren't just
so damn funny!"~ Newsweek
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7.
The Complete Compendium of Wallaby
Jokes (2003) Book Avg. Customer Rating:
In the long tradition of kicking them in the
guts when they're down, we proudly present..."The Complete
Compendium of Wallaby Jokes". We've put up with their
shit for too long now, so let loose at the nearest convict
with this little beaut. Go on, give it to them with both barrels
with such wholesome lighthearted digs as :
"Q: What do Catholic schoolboys and
the Wallabies have in common?
A: They both get shafted by the Men
in Black
Q: What has Bondi Beach got in common
with the Wallabies?
A: Kiwis have pissed all over that for
the last 100 years too."
Etc. etc, and so on and so forth...
You'll never say...
"World Champion Wallabies"
with a straight face
again!
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8.
Men in Black
II (2003) DVD ~ Mitch, Jerry Collins Avg.
Customer Rating:
The glorious return of The Mighty Men in Black, protecting New
Zealand from the Scum of the Universe. Fresh from dishing out
their record half-ton homeground humiliation at Telstra Stadium,
the All Blacks put the woeful Wallabies to the sword yet again,
ending 5 years or so of, let's face it, pure Wallaby arse
in this August sequel to the July smash-hit.
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9.
The Scared Bitch Project (2003) DVD ~ The
Australian Rugby Team Avg. Customer Rating:
In July of 2003, fifteen young men from around Australia
disappeared on the field at Telstra Stadium, Sydney Australia
while shooting a rugby documentary...
A year later their footage was found....
...and it was piss-funny!
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10.
Reselling Lemon Leaguies for Fun and
Profit! (2003) Book ~ John O'Neill Avg. Customer
Rating:
Are you a CEO who's made a rash investment?
Tried to buy yourself some "Grass-Roots Support (TM)"
and a Rugby World Cup by signing up all-style, no-substance
white elephants who are either over the hill, slow learners,
ego-maniacs, or just simply not up to it? Fed the lambs to
the slaughter once too often and your fickle fairweather fan-base
and shareholders starting to suspect you've made a BIG
friggin' mistake? No dramas...Cut your losses, take the money
and run! That's just some of the advice you'll get from boofy
70's porno haired, possum-headed smooth-talker "Honest" John
O'Neill in this best-selling self-help, motivational guide.
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list
Fuck me drunk!...What
a Drubbing! ~ The Rugby Hall of Shame. Comprehensive statistics
on the worst hidings in international rugby history.
2004 Travellers
Guide to Europe ~ By half the bloody Wallaby Team...probably
Ouch! My bottom hurts - And other short
stories ~ By Mat Rogered
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Buy Low, Sell High - Get out while
the going's good DVD ~ Rod Macqueen and John
Eales
It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want
to World Cup Theme Song (2003) CD~ John
O'Neill and the ARU
Bitch-slapped!DVD ~
Wallaby Front Row
Manufacturing Tradition - Of
Meaningless Trophies, Waltzing Matilda's and Yellow
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In DVD: rugby video
Where's Wendy? The latest installment in the
hugely popular kiddies series. Hours of fun trying
to find the disappearing Wallaby winger!
Wallaby
Yellow: Chronicles all the great Aussie moments,
such as the 61-22 1997 drubbing V South Africa, the
loss to Tonga (wahahaha!) the 50-21 mutilation meted
out this year by the mighty All Blacks and many, many
more!
"I particularly liked how the Wallabies referred
to year after year of one from two Bledisloe series
draws as glorious wins. It was so.....cute!"
~ Mavis Allbright, Rugby enthusiast, Papatoetoe
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