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UNIVERSITY OF AUSTRALIA : Rugby Courses 2001
UNIVERSITY OF AUSTRALIA : Rugby Courses 2001
(This could be why the Aussies play smarter Rugby)
31 Jul 2001
[RANT]
Courses and numbers available towards Batchelor of Rugby (Hons) degree for summer term, 2001

PREMATCH 101: ( Prof. E. Jones)

Students will learn about two vital aspects of modern Australian rugby, the post-whinge and the pre-whinge. Working on a conceptual framework that "authority figures can be intimidated", Prof. Jones will explore the methods available to influence referees. These include: press conference denounciation, pre-match suggestion and post-match lachrymosia (if the other two fail). This interesting foundation course is assisted by David McHugh (I.R.R.S), a severely disabled visiting scholar from Ireland who is deaf, dumb, blind and quadraplegic, according to the course notes supplied by Prof. Jones.

DIALOGUE TECHNIQUES 241: (Dr. J.Eales)

Modern players often ask themselves to what extent should they be verbally motivated during a rugby match? Dr. Eales fascinating course teaches players to keep up a non-stop stream of interesting comments for the entire 80 minutes. You'll learn all the right language, such as "That throw was more crooked than a Wombat's willie" and "My blind Abo auntie from Alice could tell you a thing or two." The course includes a musical aerobics component. Students will learn to run repeatedly 10 yards backwards at great pace, to shrill tunes played on a pea-whistle.

RUG-BOXING 121: (Prof. D. Giffin)

The growth of multi-disciplinary sports such as kick-boxing demands that modern rugby pays attention to this growing sports phenomenon. Prof. Giffin, an expert at the growing sport of combining rugby and boxing will demonstrate techniques such as the rake, the stomp and the elbow. Prof Giffin is assisted by Asst. Professor Bob Starstruck (University of South Africa) who will demonstrate some amazing, game winning scoring techniques to use with the theme of "Making sun while the haymakers rain."

PAIN AND BLAME CONTROL 341: (A.R.U. Multi-tutorial)

This fascinating seminar, to be led by Prof. E. Jones, prepares the modern rugby players for the upcoming August rugby rite of Done-Knee-In. Rugby is trans-cultural these days and all players have to understand the full cultural background of countries visited. Prof Jones takes fifteen players on a nightmare journey to meet the bloodthirsty tribe of Haka-Blacka, on the remote Southern islands. Team stress, depression and blame for an inevitable loss is relieved using lessons learned in course PREMATCH 101, with special emphasis being put on the Northern referee being (in advance) a complete idiot. The rite of Done-Knee-In at the traditional South Island tribal longhouse known as "House of Pain" will take place on August 11th.

RUGBY AND RELIGION 236: (Rev G. Gregan)

A fresh course of comparative religion that takes a look at the Big Question (i.e. can anyone play rugby north of Queensland, south of Canberra and east of Sydney?). The always humble answer is "Less likely than a double-dutch speaking dingo, mate!". Various false theologies and superstitions are looked at and discarded, among them the curious European worship of Lions and the cannibalistic island cult of Haka-Blacka. The simple belief of those who worship gold, or the green Antelope-God in Africa is examined and found wanting. Alternative "New Age" theologies from fresh sources like Canuck cults and recent Puma adoration are shown to be logically impossible and sportingly ephemeral.

Students are likely to be taxed by the stringent academic approach to coursework in this seminar. Rev. Gregan shows convincingly that, even when apparently soundly thrashed by any other team, Ozztralian rugby teams have actually won. As it says in the Book of Ozz Chapter 1, "Behold, this is a great mystery".

UPDATE: Due to a severe wound received whilst on holiday recently in South Africa from a rogue antelope, Rev. Gregan's course is regrettably postponed till the winter term.

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Let us know what you think!

I attended Prof. Jones' speed lachrymosia course two years ago after his team failed to win the Super 12 final with 98% of the possession. He was very convincing.

After the Crusaders performance this year I was most thankful that I had the skill under my belt.

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