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Book of the Bokke - Chapter 4
Book of the Bokke - Chapter 4
(on the Fall of Blackheart)
09 Nov 1999
[RANT]
1. Now the Zeelanders were mighty and confident of winning the battle of the Cup of the World, and their general Blackhart did pray to their god, and he is called "Haka", thusly: "Oh, Haka, we have bullied the tiny Tong-ites and crushed the Pommestines, yea even Lawrence the Pharmacist he was useless against our might.
And now we face the Frogmen and what shall we do next?"
2. Now Haka was displeased, for he saw the Zeelanders were worshipping an idol and a false god, and that god is called "Media" and is the god of the scribes of the world. So Haka wished to set a trap for the Zeeanders and their leader and he spake thus to Blackhart in his prayers: " Go ye to the land of the Frogmen and do nothing much. And call about you the tribe of the Papperazzites, for they shall record you in all your glory. Go ye and bathe in the warm waters of the Mare Mediterraneus and know the women of the Frogmen, yea even by the thousand. And also attend to your haircuts and your tanning, that ye shall look fine and fearsome when you meet the miserable army of the Frogmen. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you shall do the same all over again."
3. Thus the army of the Zeelanders did as Haka commanded and they practised hard at their interviews and their soundbites and frolicked in the waters and  knew all the Frogwomen. And then there came the day of battle, at the field called Twitters when the army of the Frogmen did face them. And the Zeelanders did make a mighty shout and a wardance and did say to each other, "Look for the Frogmen are lowly and small, yea and we shall cosume them even as we knew  their women."
4. Now the war captain of the day he is called Tame, and he is mild and of good manners and maketh the best interview in all of Zeeland for he smileth even when defeated. And when the battle commenced, the Zeelanders were discomforted, for as they slew the Frogmen, so the Frogmen slew them also in more number, yea even though the war umpire James of Caledonia did blow mighty and hard to help them.
5. Now the Zeeanders became weary of battle and turned to their war captain and beseeched him, "Yea, Tame, give us a plan, for the Frogmen grow stronger". And Tame he did smile and he spoke to his army thus, "Ye know there is just one plan which is even that we had of four years ago. Just ask of Joshua the Big  that he slay all the Frogmen by himself and we shall watcheth and enjoy."
6. And Blackhart was looking  from the hill. As he saw the Zeelanders retreating and his war captain walking yea, even as if on a stroll around the Mare Mediterraneus, he did weep and rend his garments and he cried out, "Oh Haka, Oh Haka, why hast thou forsaken us? For now my contract will not runneth over and I shall be sacked .Oh, I am disgraced."
7. Haka now replied to him: "Oh ye foolish Zeelanders, from a once mighty race. Ye have worshipped a false god and fallen prey to syncophants, hair-dressers, the Doctors of Spin and other lowly types. As for the Frogmen ye did ravish their women and cavort in their faces and your preparations for battle were the mirror and the jacuzzi. But as pride goeth before a fall, so I shall humble you, yea even before all of the world." And so the Zeelanders were defeated and none could believe it, yea even the Frogmen who slew them like lambs.
8. Now the warriors they called out to Tame and asked him, "What shall we do now, for we have been defeated. For our women will turn us from their beds and the multitudes at home will curse us?" And Tame he did tell them, "Oh be ye not afraid. For I know a man and he is called "Agent" and he shall find ye all work as mercenaries right here in the land of the Pommestines, where the warriors are softies and slow and dim-witted, yea even as we have all become. For the people of Zeeland shall pay us no more to fight for them so what have we to lose but to stay here?"
9. But when Joshua the Big heard this he became annoyed and he reviled Tame and his fellow-warriors thusly: " This man you call Agent, he is not for you, but only for me. And already he has collected all the gold and the treasures for my use and as for you, fellow warriors, there is  none. I shall stay here in the land of the Pommestines and become rich, yea and stay famous but ye shall return home, where the multitudes will  revile you and ye be lucky to find work collecting even the droppings of sheep."
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Thank Haka for that...! For a second there I thought Niggler meant me when he spaketh of Blackhart!
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(Although it could have just been on the Reload button doing some serious ego padding!)