I want to tell you a tale of two warring kingdoms. One, a force of the light. An army devoted to bringing peace and benevolence to all of Enzedderland. These noble souls are known to all as "The Lions".
Their foes are a band of evil; determined to plunge Enzedderland into a new age of darkness. They have come from the north and intend to bring their reign of misery to all rugby supporters in our land. They are known only as "The Orcs".
Already the Orcs have caused much suffering throughout Enzedderland. Before last year, many thought that their dark reign of the late 80's and early 90's had been banished forever - but in last years NPC they once again reared their ugly heads, beating the seemingly invincible "Rednblacks" in the semi-final before dashing the hopes of the "Mooloos" in the final. The Rednblacks have probably suffered the most at the hands of the merciless Orcs with further defeats coming in the Super 12 final and the loss of their prized log of wood.
Brothers, we must rally together behind the Lions. Without them, all shall be lost! Besides the proud RednBlacks, even the brave men of "Scarfania" could not halt their relentless march. With the Super 12 and Ranfurly Shield already lost, only the Lions may stop the Orcs from winning the NPC and achieving total domination of our fair land. But fear not! The Lions are ready to do battle with the Orcs - see below the courageous men who are charged with this task.
Christian Cullen - the King. Undoubtably the man who must lead the Lions in their quest to defeat the Orcs. A favourite amoungst the masses of the Lions' realm, and his final appearance in Enzedderland before abdicating and continuing his journey in other lands many thousands of miles from here.
John Plumtree - the mysterious wizard. Nobody knows very much about this old magician, except he came from a kingdom far away and has been there throughout the campaign to offer wise words of consel to the men. Thus far he has demonstrated his wizardly abilities in leading his team to the final showdown with the Orcs - if the day can be won he will truely be an equal of Merlin.
Scott and Thomas Waldrom - two young princes. These two brothers are seeking the NPC crown. They are brave and certainly dashing (in terms of speed). With the help of the knights of the round table they will be formidable foes for the Orcs indeed.
Conrad Smith - the small boy out to prove himself. Formerly a mere page, this fresh-faced youngster is out to prove he is good for more than just helping the knights into their armour and tending the horses. He is strangely elusive to his enemies and loves to challenge those more senior in age to himself.
Sireli Bobo - the court jester. Good at making people laugh at his own inadequacies but very little else. Watch him try to tackle, kick, join a ruck, support the runners or catch the ball and you too will be in fits of laughter. His favourite trick is to run - unfortunately that's all he can do and even then he often will end up doing his characteristic dance with his opponents, or running backwards more than anything. Must be part of the Lions to provide amusement to our band of merry men - it can't be to do with rugby ability or he'd be long gone by now.
Jason Spice, Paul Steinmetz, Tim Fairbrother, Ross Filipo, Riki Flutey - the Knights of the Round Table. Or should it be the "Knights of the Round Stadium"? These men are the core of the Lions and are the main footsoldiers in the quest to defeat the Orcs. They must don their armour of gold and black and play for one another. All are equal in the struggle against evil.
It will truely be a battle to end all battles. Will the forces of good win the day with a famous Lions victory, or will the shadow of Orcland once again reign over Enzedderland? All will be discovered when the quest concludes on Saturday night.
Onward to Camelot! ... (er, I mean - the Caketin!)