You've probably seen a complete and utter rugby fanatic on TV... He's pretty easy to spot - the lunatic with his face painted like a rugby jersey. He spends the entire rugby game screaming cheerful words of advice at the players, pitch and public, blissfully unaware that the drunk scarfie behind him has just belched contentedly and collapsed, smearing a half eaten hotdog and the remains of a beer down his backside. Very impressive fellow isn't he. But what does it take to achieve such single minded dedication to a sport?

Well we at RugbyHeads have again gone the extra mile for you at no extra cost. We have delved deeper, asked the hard questions and now have the definitive answers for you. By the time you have read this you will know enough to become the ultimate rugby supporter. Yes, you too can be that obnoxious bastard at the big game!

Be aware that becoming the ultimate rugby supporter is a demanding undertaking which will require complete dedication to the sport not only at the games but also at home and at work. Your day's and nights should be consumed with rugby this and rugby that. During those rare moments when you aren't intelligently discussing the finer points of the last game over your sixth jug of beer, you should be making wild score predictions for the next one. If there is anyone at all nearby, you should be furiously and unrelentingly attempting to convince them that you are the obvious choice for the next All Black coach... and that there are at least 15 reasons why Carlos is gay. No conversation should be allowed to progress without mention of rugby, unless of course you are talking about sex. But that's another story, which you can no doubt find elsewhere on the web in glorious Technicolor. (Children ask your parents first)

That's all very well at the pub, but what if there are no unfortunate buggers near enough for you to shout your incisive opinions at? Well - that's why God created talkback radio. A two minute phone call to Radio Sport during which you don't allow the Host to get a word in edgewise will give you the opportunity to shout at the whole nation. By the time the DJ politely cuts you off you will have left the entire country in no doubt about your credentials. God has even created a convenient toll free number (0508 RADIOSPORT) specifically so that the complete rugby fanatic can become an annoyingly regular caller. After a few weeks the casual listener will have heard your voice so often they will assume you are a presenter and will be wondering who the bloody hell that Martin Devlin guy is.

While your infuriating bloody-minded commitment to rugby outside the match venues is vital, it is inside the park that you get to show your true class as the ultimate rugby supporter. This will involve performing several tasks at once... Aside from dressing in team colours, painting your face and dying your hair, you will of course be waving a really big flag. It is your provincial flag and you should be waving it in front of opposition supporters. Not only will they find the colours upsetting, but it will also completely ruin their view of the game. This will be fun during the game, but more importantly, it will be immensely satisfying to reminisce on after the game, should your team lose. That is assuming you aren't in the hospital. While waving the flag you should also shout a lot. Shouting is good because people notice you. What you actually shout isn't too critical as long as it involves some advice and handy tips for the players and the odd comment on their poor family lineage. You will quite naturally and graciously take credit for all good play on the paddock, and this will also be achieved by shouting.

After the game you can stop shouting for long enough to take a breath and consume a cold beer. Following this it is critical you immediately start your incisive insightful breakdown of the game in all it's facets. A few bold predictions for the next game could also be thrown in along with a detailed description of how you survived the game without having a leak. Shouting a bit will again help keep peoples attention.

And that is all there is to it. Live, eat and breath rugby, alienating and excluding everything else. We can't understand why there aren't more ultimate rugby fans out there.... Sounds like Heaven on Earth. Right?

AT

Maybe that's because it is damn hard to make a living as an ultimate rugby fan. There are only so many beer sponsorships available. (That means they pay you, not you sponsor the beer company!)
Let us know what you think!